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Kissing Hank's Ass

November 23, 2005


Here's an interesting allegory...
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"


READ THE REST
'Reverend' James Huber, the author, sounds like all my IIT uncles (aww, I miss the uncles and their tipsy "can computers revolt?" conversations):
Q: How can you be absolutely certain there is no God?

A: I don't need to be absolutely certain there is no God to be an atheist, I just have to be reasonably certain that when people pray that I get hit by lightning, they're really just talking to themselves.

posted by Neha
3:39 PM

4 Comments:

Anonymous CeePee said...

AH the crazys and their religions.
Just call me Hank.

Fer real.

11/23/2005 04:10:00 PM  
Anonymous CeePee said...

Oh yeah, By the way.
There was a Jacob sighting in Moncton. Hunner met him and he was hammered (no surprise) and Jake tried to get on him (not a surprise either). Ah Jacob, you poor bastard.

11/23/2005 05:23:00 PM  
Blogger Neha said...

that's awful news, dude. well, at least we know he's alive, if not well. did he know hunner from your ramblings?

by 'get on him' do you mean tried to wrastle him or tried to snog him?

11/24/2005 10:29:00 AM  
Anonymous CeePee said...

Defo tried to snog him.
He works in a box factory. I want so much more for that guy, but at this point hes not even trying, so there is noubt we can do for him.
Booooo. Hopefully he will clean up and join us in the ranks.

11/24/2005 12:06:00 PM  

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