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A Ninja, his Concubine, Rocky, Tenderbot and Cobra Kai walk into a bar...

October 31, 2005


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I woke up an hour earlier than I was supposed to this morning. Don't wear a watch and I forgot to set my phone so my eyes are really having trouble staying open. Got a wild Halloween story for you though. There was a party being hosted at the Metro Cinema on Saturday. The Metro is Toronto's ONLY adult theatre and is closing down soon. The event was titled 'Pornoween' so OF COURSE I was excited. There were a few bands playing and a couple of DJs spinning on the bill. I was going to skip on the costume and stick a sign on my back that read "EXOTIC" (thanks, CeePee!) but I managed to put together another type of politically incorrect costume disaster. Walked into a fabric store that just happened to be selling "Chinese Girl" wigs and Japanese kimonos et viola, a costume was born. Rajbo found a Ninja headpiece, he was Nerdy Ninja or Habibi Hussaina depending on cloth placement.

The thing with last minute costumes is you have to mould the vocab to the costume. I started with Concubine, then Geisha, then Ninja Concubine, and finally I became 'Just Asia'. Not that anyone at the Metro really minded. What a dump. I've never been that aware of unsanitary conditions in my life. Not at Rose Motel in Long Beach, not at the hole-in-ground latrine on the Bombay - Pune highway, not even at that time we tried to go a week without showering...remember Seera? Not even then. Shit. But the lights were off so at least we couldn't see the stains, yes the seats were still in and we had to sit on them. At least we found 'Mario Lemeuix' and at least he sold us booze illegally and at least the DJ was better than any I've heard in this city for a long long time. He didn't last long, the bands kept coming, we actually left five minutes after making our first entrance. The news of booze made us return. I can't stand art-rock shite, a group of people on stage screaming into the mike is jarring and annoying, even if 'Vampyros Lesbos' is playing behind them on the big screen.

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The night continued onto the bar next door where those jaded with the Metro party were taking refuge. Lots of good tunes from way back which means there was dancing. Then onto some other place that I can't even remember. But I do remember the very sweet Ebony giving us drinks and reimbursing cover money because she is amazing and ethnically ambiguous like myself. I was asked if I was Greek that night. I was also asked if I was Eastern European. I was wearing pale-face in a fucking kimono. Yes, drunk girl, I AM Euro. Whiter than white for a night, look how pale and unhealthy I look:

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At least I got treated with respect. Ok, just kidding. Have a look at the flickr madness. Here are two of the best pictures taken that night.

One

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Two

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posted by Neha
4:43 PM

13 comments

T-T-T-T-Touge Patrol

October 27, 2005


The best tee shirt I have ever owned. Made by Seera with her own sweet piano-playing fingers.

Touge Patrol

'Touge' is the Newfie word for 'tool' or something along those lines. 'Touge' is also a deadly Japanese form of racing but Seera is ever-so-slightly more Newfie than Japanese so I'll stick to the first definition. Patrollin' for touges, yup, touges better watch themselves.

Thanks Seera, I'm wearing it to tatters!

posted by Neha
4:44 PM

10 comments

"Silly girl, silver girl, draw the mirror toward you"

October 26, 2005


I've been tagged like a badmash by Jay to divulge highly classified information about myself. Lo and behold the Neha you think you knew but really had no clue:

7 things I want to do before I die

1. Go trekking in Iceland

2. Write enough GOOD poems to fill a book, then get it published, GOOD poem count to date = 0. WHEN they are written they will surely be an inspirational mix of Philip Larkin and Ogden Nash

3. Get freak deaky at high altitude (think mountain range instead of airplane)

4. Visit Kerala (practice some more #3 but in the backwaters while waiting for my toran, avial, stew & rasam dinner after which I will smoke some fine Indian herb with my toddy)

5. Experience weightlessness

6. Play a gig with a band (I'm in a 'band', now we just need a gig...and some songs)

7. Last but most dear to me, when the time comes, I want to have the strength to care for my parents the way they did for me.

7 things I can do

1. Attain the lotus posture , cross my arms behind my back and grab my toes in two seconds flat. I have bendy joints.

2. Find out intimate details of a stranger's life and thoughts, in an average meet/greet session, without having to reveal anything
other than my name. CSIS, call me!

3. Remember every face I have met or even seen on the street/the net/in print and have paid a milliseconds worth of attention to. Not as in, "Wow, Neha, sharp memory!" but as in, "Neha, are you some kind of mutant freak?!". CSIS, call me!

4. Kick ass at Antakshari , serious, I am unstoppable. Mind you most of the tunes I know date back to 1998 and prior, which makes for obscure entries that I invariably end up singing either by myself or with the 45+ types...but the point is...I kick ass at Antakshari.

5. Slice off the top half of my left index finger and regenerate it, nail and all. I have done this once (thanks a lot, Cutco!) and will never do it again.

6. Speak three languages (one with a funny accent), understand vocal speech in two other languages, count from one to ten in Malayalam and Arabic, sing one verse of a lovely tune in perfect Mandarin.

7. Make anyone crack a smile or at least make anyone's jaw drop with my potty mouth and filthy mind.

7 things I cannot do

1. Eat eggplant
2. Drink Sambuca
3. Feign interest...at least not very well
4. Play an instrument, not even the spoons, maybe the washboard
5. Deprive myself of salt
6. Go to bed without reading
7. I am most ashamed to admit that I absolutely cannot stop picturing people naked

7 things that attract me to another person

1. Large cranium
2. Wicked wit
3. Need to keep in motion (cars, bikes, boats, rickshaws, whatever)
4. Brilliance in written speech (preferably in the form of a book but a blog or journal will do :-P)
5. Thorough and unabashed understanding of one's own body
5.5 Unbiased views on human sexuality
6. Open-mindedness in affairs concerning faith
7. An inquisitive nature

7 things I say most often

1. Cool
2. Really?
3. Haa (that's 'Hi' in a Texan twang)
4. Thank you
5. Kam aaan (mostly when watching hockey)
6. O-ho!
7. Babu

7 people I want to do this...just kidding...this

1. Seera
2. Cee Pee
3. Champa
4. Tammy
5. Paresh
6. Raju
7. JJ

Ooooo, kam aaan, do it. Bare your souls. It isn't as easy as it looks and now that the deed is done I'm filled with melancholic wonder at all the things I haven't done. The good part is that this only serves as inspiration.

P.S. The internet is on as of yesterday! But the stolen cable got cut. So now the internet will be cut in order to get digital cable and cable internet in one bundle.

posted by Neha
3:03 PM

7 comments

This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down

October 20, 2005


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posted by Neha
5:34 PM

2 comments

In Disconnect

October 17, 2005




There is still no internet to be had. None. I've got a few seconds to assure you that I am indeed alive if not well. Getting over some flu. Why do they always fuck up hooking up the internet? It can't be hard if that's what you do for a living. And if they fuck up once then why does it have to take a whole other week to get it right? Something better have exploded at the very least.

Meanwhile, I sold my soul to Ikea, then I sold my back-up soul to Walmart (you know, for bulk stuff, like Swiffer-juice). I've got mere pennies left with which to buy some nice stuff for the walls. I want this and OF COURSE this.

posted by Neha
5:15 PM

9 comments

Texarsize Your Trash

October 12, 2005


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...wouldn't it be funny if the animal was a rat after all?

posted by Neha
4:27 PM

3 comments

Look, it's not you...it's me

October 07, 2005


I miss you, blog. Should be getting the net at home in a few days so posting shall resume at its NORMAL sporadic rate instead of this CRAZY one. In my absence if anyone feels the need to leave dutty comments then do be my guest, we all like to read ourselves write. XOXO.

posted by Neha
5:52 PM

1 comments

If you don't post everyday you end up with one really long post

October 06, 2005


I'm stanky from the move. Cranky from the move. Thanki's out to prove. Been working my pistons, hear? *kisses right bicep, then left* Don't ever rent a U-Haul on the last day of a month. Attach a horse named 'Old Freckles' to a rusty wheelbarrow if you have to but never ever do the U-Haul. They sent us to Scarlem and kept us waiting for 3 hours, the cops got called, people were contemplating a riot, no trucks were being returned, chick behind the counter kept eating pizza while the children cried.

Finally got a brokendown wreck of a truck at 11 pm. We weren't allowed to move past 9 pm but whatchagonnado? At least we only had to make one round to Eric's, he had a storage space for us. This space was one floor up, to be reached by a suspicious looking set of fire-escape stairs. Thankfully it was massive. I heard some crazy tunes rising from beneath with a dude shouting "Ladies! Come on up, ladies!". Turns out we were storing above a strip club, the owner came out for a cig and looked really surprised. We tried desperately not to scratch his Merc and the pimped Escalade that were parked deadly close to the stairs.

Having completed the first part of the move we checked into a little bed & breakfast and slept like zombies. I kept freaking out all weekend about not having to ride the fucking metro for 40 min. to get home. Because home is where the heart is and the heart sure as hell ain't in North York.

Had a wicked brekkie with Seera, Constantine and Rajbo on Sunday. Then went to Yorkdale, grudgingly. I'm not a huge fan of malls as is but malls with a Rainforest Cafe in them? Kill me now. I had to get some Sephora action and that is their sole TO location. Badly needed a spicy Venom refill.

Sunday eve was all about the Mutineer Maple leaf meetup in Little India. How excited was I? Enough to show up early. After confirming that the people I was looking at were not the people I was looking for I loitered about trying to avoid Romeo gazes. I swear I saw my favourite professor, from Sunday school to university, Arti Dhand. I couldn't see her face clearly, she was waaaay down the street but I saw a small woman with red lips, really tall boy, and baby. I need to find her and talk to her and ask her if she'll be my surrogate mom. Why have I waited so long?

Back to the exciting stuff, I FINALLY MET A MUTINEER! Manish Vij to be exact. I was expecting some turnout but excuses excuses excuses left me repping it on my ownsome. So we got Vijjy with it (forgive me, I can't help these words!) and chatted about:

- Our blogs: I'm really not so flippant in person, Sepia has filled a void (that has no sexy connotations, I mean there was nothing like it before)

- Politics: Conservative Canadians could be hippies in America, Vinod strays to the dark side

- People: Anna ki tho baat hi kuch aur hai (my crush grows), JJ and how I know him (it was all good and honest, JJ, don't get your chaddis in a twist), Abhi gets flamed a lot for his posts (unnecessarily, I think)

- Places: TO is very Guju/Sri Lankan, B.C. is very Punjabi/Sikh, Dubai is racist, London is poshy, Texas is just plain scary

- Things: He is daddy of the Mac (with spanking new Nano, it's not broke!), I am PC girl (with serious anti-Mac tendencies)

- Movies: I need to see more, Vij is only the 3rd person I know of to ever have bothered with Chutney Popcorn

- Music: I used to play Karsh Kale on the ol' radio show = Sepia certified taste in music. Awesome. Manish lives in a sweetass Brooklyn Crooklyn hood. He is cool because he has heard of Fannypack.

I've missed a whole bunch of stuff and I didn't have my camera so yoose ain't getting no pictures but that was how the meetup went. I had a wonderful time *gush gush*! It ended with Manish getting picked up by two smokin' bhoochies who rode off into the dark night with him whilst I gazed...wondering if it was all just a silly dream. 1 down 5 more to go. Come North, come North wherever you are, my pretties!

posted by Neha
2:14 PM

7 comments