Currylingus

I have begun to believe that it is best The Rapture stop taking its own sweet time:

COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO - A new study released this week confirms what many Americans have long suspected: that they are more likely than people from other countries to go to Heaven. The study found that nearly 75% of the people currently in Heaven were originally American citizens. By contrast, the same researchers found that Hell, largely avoided by Americans, is populated mostly by Europeans including large numbers of French, Dutch, and Danish.

The sampled demonographics were collected in an unbiased manner befitting only the most objective of surveys:

Researchers discarded registration materials that were filled out in languages other than English, that language that the Bible was written in. They also eliminated Heaven entrance forms that were completed in English but indicated a non-US originating address

No Shit, Sherlock:

"It had been our strong sense all along that Americans would turn out to be over-represented when we went in and looked at the demographic data," notes Dr, Steve Myer, director of research at the Bible Institute. "And that's exactly what we found when we ran the numbers."

Conclusions:

The researchers concluded that Republicans were twice as likely as Democrats to get into Heaven, and that residents of rural areas and the so-called "flyover country" were more likely than urban dwellers to inherit the earth. New entrants were not asked on their registration materials to identify themselves as "meek."

But what about the rest of us?:

Afterlife analysts say that Americans are more likely than citizens of other countries to find themselves bound for eternal happiness because they are Christian... most Americans support positions that Jesus Christ would likely endorse were He alive today including welfare reform, the death penalty and a ban on stem cell research, and the over-representation of US-born citizens in the New Jerusalem is no mystery.

I thought J.C. was more into peace and goodwill but what do I know? I worship cows and can have sex in at least 34 different postures, from the lotus-blossom-awesome to let-your-backbone-slide.

Applications:

Hear ye, Americans, read this study to your young children so that they too may turn out to be raving lunatics. A bonus prize (First Class seating on the Heaven Express) for teaching them how to spot and kill infidels. Oh, I've got the wrong religion here...I can't even tell anymore. Just put me out of my misery and send me to hell, Europe has better food anyway.

[Thanks to J-Walk Blog]