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I Know a Prick When I See One

May 30, 2005

How lovely, one of my favourite people to bitch about is again in the news. Tom Coburn, Senator and DumbAss Extrordinaire, has been spotted giving genital wart-filled lectures at the Capitol (Washington Post). I quote:

"It is no small thing to ask an intern who is trying his best to mimic a working adult to come to a lecture like this in the middle of a workday... For the first few minutes, it worked, as Coburn flipped through slides showing dry facts and figures about STDs... He flipped to his next slide. It showed a part of the male anatomy but not as a science textbook drawing; this was the real thing, and a particularly sorry example; it looked like it had been left outside by mistake and then rusted in some unnatural way, with scaly dry spots, and warts on an angry red background."
Apparently he has been keeping this Capitol engagement seven years now. He likes to tell people that "condoms are only 69 percent effective in preventing HIV", did I mention that he is the chairman of the U.S. Presidential Advisory Council on HIV and AIDS? Yup. If you repeat the word ABSTINENCE over and over you will soon start to believe. Really, no joke. Also, the typical all-American child has enough of a noodle (due to a superior public school education & under-worked, over-paid parents) to realize that the tits on t.v., though positively related to pleasurable feelings 'down there', will really bring nothing but hellfire and a case of spotted dick. True, really.

Speaking of mammaries, here's what the good doctor has ordered:
"And I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you're healthier than if you don't. That is what the ultimate science shows. . . . In fact, there's no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier."
Time to start saving for some Double Ds. But wait, if I spend so much on boobs don't I have to show them off? Also, if I show them off, won't that lead to some form indiscriminate sex? So if it does, then can I get some sort of state-subsidized contraception? "NO!". What about condoms? "Only 69%" chance of them working. Umm, ok, so I shouldn't have sex? "YES!" But what if I get raped because of my massive breastices and impregnated as a result? "I favor the death penalty for abortionists and other people who take life." (Link) Forgive my logical brain, Tom, but that statement does not represent a rational syllogism. See, Abortion [A], Death [B], your Favor [C]:

If 'A' is 'B'
And 'C' is never 'A'

With this sort of practiced and publicized rhetoric, is it any wonder that so many kids drop out of school to do drugs, have sex, and steal cars out of complete hopelessness and misunderstanding? I feel like smoking a big bowl of crack just writing about it.

posted by Neha
8:09 PM


Blogger QuickSilver said...


While I can't figure out his logic, did he offer any proof that silicon boobs are healthier than their natural counterparts? *I've read* otherwise, both from science and views from celebs who have gone under the knife.

This article is good too.

5/31/2005 02:05:00 PM  
Blogger Neha said...

Hey, thanks for the comment...great article!

Proof, you ask, well, Wikipedia suggests that this article may have had something to do with Coburn's madness. It was an important study with interesting results to say the least: "Risks of breast cancer mortality and nonbreast cancer mortality were lower in patients with implants than in those patients without implants".

True, the study was focusing on masectomy patients (not 16 Texan school girls with grad presents for boobs) but who cares about this 'proof' stuff anyway? The Good Doctor has also been quoted as saying that there is "....no hard evidence to support global warming." Proof has a way of going *poof* when required doesn't it?

5/31/2005 02:29:00 PM  
Blogger John Hedtke said...

Having actually met silicone implants in the past in my vaguely wild, vaguely misspent youth, I vastly prefer the real thing. I cannot help but feel that the folks who have such a fetish about silicone implants aren't paying attention to how much fun their partners can be as people. But, shoot, what do I know, anyway?

6/09/2005 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger John Hedtke said...

OTOH, this guy is from Oklahoma, so WTF does he know about life, culture, and the 20th century in the first place?

6/09/2005 12:22:00 PM  
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